• The Emotionally Absent Mother

    Anyone reading this who have been lucky enough to experience a loving childhood, will not be able to resonate with what I am saying.

    Many of you might have found the last two weeks to be uncomfortable, as the eclipse of both the sun and the moon in a short space of time, together with many of the planets going retrograde, has brought things from the past to the surface for healing.

    Healing from a difficult experience is usually cyclical, in that we can think that we have healed, but a while later we are hit again. Some people say it is like layers of an onion. I like to think of it in a different way. If you imagine that your life is like climbing a ladder, with our birth being represented by the base of the ladder. The bottom of the ladder is in darkness, representing the emotional baggage that we need to heal from. As we learn and grow and climb higher up the ladder we move towards the light. Enlightenment.

    When we are on the bottom rung of the ladder, the ground will look very different from what we see when standing on the tenth rung.

    I think healing is like climbing the ladder and that we need to heal each piece of baggage with the different perspective brought to us from the learning and understanding that we have already experienced.

    So, as with everyone who is living a life, I am still working on my own healing and this week has been one of the more challenging. I have concluded that it is perhaps easier for a child to lose a mother to death, that to live with one who is physically present but emotionally unavailable. By child, I am referring to someone of any age. When a person loses their mother to death, it can be very difficult to make the adjustment, but most people work through their grief and time is a great healer. When you have amother that is still here physically but is emotionally absent, there is hope that maybe, just maybe they will see you and become the mother that you need and want, but every hope is dashed and the loss is grieved in a continuous cycle.

    I find it hard because I am unable to share my experiences with my children. I was determined to give my children a different experience from my own. My adult children, so far, seem unable to understand my expereinces because I am their rock, the one person that they know loves them unconditionally and is always there for them, to do what I can to encourage and support, when needed. Although, I brought them up to be independent and follow their own inner guidance. They are adults with busy lives and live away so the time we do get together isprecious.

    I was advised many years ago to break away from my parents for my own good. I chose not to do this as I believe that we choose our parents. The ones that are most likely to give us the experiences that we have chosen in order to learn. I am not entirely sure that I have worked out the exact reasons I chose my parents and my life experience, but I know that I wouldnt be the person that I am today without them.

    I have found myself asking a lot in the last couple of months 'what would Jesus do now' - that might seem a strange question, but it can be hard to keep giving and attempting to connect when it is thrown back at you. The easy option would be to walk away, but I think Jesus would continue to offer his uncondiotnal love and support when needed and let go of all the hurts. So, my point in writing this, is to say I do practice what I teach and there are times when I feel like one of those toys that bounce back when you knock them over and on occasion wonder whether it has been one knock too many, but I also believe that we are never given more than we can actually cope with and I do bounce back, hopefully with more learning, more understanding and more wisdom.

    When my father died, he thanked me for the love and mercy that I had shown him. At the time I found the word mercy a strange choice. I have since come to understand that. Maybe one day I will write a book about my experiences, even if only for my children.

    I have no doubts that my spiritual practices have helped me in my life.

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